The Year Past and The Year to Come

I’ve been sitting on this post all night.

I always like writing something up at the end of the old year, looking forward into the new year. I write about the things I’ve learnt, the times that mattered most, and the people that changed it all for the better, full of hope and excitement for the next year.

I’m not feeling that excitement this year.

2016 has been full of ups and downs. It’s been an emotional year for me for many different reasons. And I wish that I was ending 2016 with a bang, feeling on top of the world and ready to take on whatever life throws at me.

Right now, I’m feeling stuck and a little lost. I feel like the world is rushing around me and I’m not going anywhere. The last few months of 2016 have been hard for me and right now, I really don’t know how I feel about going into 2017.

All of that being said, however, I am trying so hard to wish for the best. 2017 is either going to be an incredible year or a terrible year. I have goals and resolutions and dreams for the upcoming year and as shitty as I feel, as stuck and as lost as I might feel right now, I’m hopeful.

I’m hoping for the best in 2017. I’m hoping for joy and love and happiness. I’m hoping that I will be grateful for the good moments and the bad moments, because they’re all important.

In 2017, my focus is on myself. I’m sure that you’ve heard this a million times (new year, new me!) from everyone in your life but whatever, this is my new years post and imma do what I want!

I hope to eat better. I hope to take care of my body because I’m sick of feeling tired and lethargic and sluggish. I hope to move forward in my life and be in a place where I don’t dread waking up every morning because I’m really sick of the dread and the anxiety when my alarm goes off at 5:30 every morning.

Something that I’ve been trying to do and something I hope to do more of in 2017, is bring back the things that make me happy. I remember being a young teenager and having hobbies and interests in my life that I was so passionate about but maybe out of fear or something else, I’ve let them fall to the side.

I adored fashion and art and history and poetry and creative writing and photography and painting. I loved it all so much and I had dreams of being a writer and a designer and a artist but then I was always told that I needed a back up plan because you have to be really talented to succeed in these creative fields. I think that my anxiety ridden and insecure brain interpreted that as you’re not good enough, give up now and get a normal job.

I want this passion back in my life, no fear. I want to follow my heart, my gut. I don’t want to fear what could go wrong.

So here’s to 2017. Please be kind to me.

A Pamper Day

I love a pamper day. I love a day to treat ‘me’ however that may be. Everyone has something. Everyone has that one thing that fills them up, that makes the coming week bearable. For me, that’s spending a day on my own, with all the little things that make me happy. I don’t look at my phone, I don’t do anything that doesn’t feel good, I take it easy.

For a long time, I had a hard time with taking a day off like this. We get told constantly that we have to always be doing something. I always had this fear of being ‘lazy’ but I needed a day. I needed a self care day to just shut myself off from the real world but I was worried about being a lazy couch potato. I’ve come to learn that taking a day to yourself is not a bad thing.

So I sleep in for as long as I want, I make a big breakfast, I tidy up my space if I need to, I watch a TV show or a movie or whatever else I want, I do whatever I need to make me happy.

I love having a bath. I love bath bombs, I love painting my nails, I love using face masks, I love reading and writing, I love a cup of tea (Serenity Now from David’s Tea is heaven in a cup).

If you need a day off, take a day. Take more than a day. Your mental health is the most important thing.

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06/08/16

To make a prairie it takes a clover and one bee,—
One clover, and a bee,
And revery.
The revery alone will do
If bees are few.
-Emily Dickinson

I think that I’ve been feeling a little lost lately. Life is crazy right now and I, like many adults in our current world, spend the days going to a job that doesn’t make me happy, making food that just fills me, watching TV shows and movies that I don’t need to think about, and going through all of that the next day. And the next day and the next day and the next day.

Lately, I’ve been thinking back to the the things that made me happy before the real world happened. Before stress and work and everything else got in the way.

I’d like to get those things back into my life. I had dreams of writing a novel, I got so lost in whatever book I was reading, that I didn’t even know what the weather was. I listened to a new album and felt that the musician was somehow able to capture my soul in the lyrics.

I’m tired of the monotony. I’m tired of waking up every morning with a knot of anxiety in my stomach with an urge to just run away. I want passion and love and excitement. I want to wake up everyday and have something to look forward to.

I want to let lost in stories and poetry and art and pictures. I want to write something that will mean something to someone. Maybe it’s just a matter of adding one thing into every day that makes getting up in the morning something to look forward to, not a chore.

Maybe it’s a matter of finding what little steps are needed to get to my goal. Maybe it’s working on finding classes to take online or getting rid of some unneeded everyday stress.

Maybe it’s just a matter of finding the clover and the bee, whatever that is, to build and create a beautiful prairie. A piece of inspiration.