Mental Health Break

My friends and family know that I do not have the healthiest brain in the world and I’ve casually mentioned that I’ve been dealing with mental health issues in previous posts, but I wanted to talk more in depth about it today so bear with me.

For a very long time, I have lived with depression and anxiety. It’s become something about myself that I am learning to accept and work with. I think that denying it and hiding it is just going to make it worse.

Lately, I’ve been having a bit of a heard time. Certainly not at my worst but I have been in a funk. It’s been a struggle to get up in the morning and work through the day and I certainly haven’t been sleeping well (I’ve been having the same anxiety nightmare for about 2 weeks now).

For me, the first step is always just accepting that I feel the way that I feel. Once I just accept that I am not feeling well and I am not at my best, I can take care of it. I think that my first instinct is to pretend that nothing is wrong and that I’m okay but then I get frustrated because accomplishing simple tasks feels impossible. Then I end up feeling even worse about myself and it just gets worse.

So I like to take mental health days. I’m lucky enough to be surrounded my people who support me and care about me and I’m also lucky enough to work in a place where I have manager who I consider a friend, so talking to her is easy.

If you need a day or two or three to feel better, do it. It helps. Accept how you’re feeling and allow yourself the time you need to heal. You’ll benefit in the end.

Take care of yourself ❤

Soundtrack to My Life

I saw someone film this tag on Youtube and I really enjoyed the questions so I thought, why the hell not put it on my blog. I thought this would be an easy post to write. I was wrong! It was so hard to go through and pick just one or two songs. There are so many songs and artists that have had an impact on my life and the following songs are just hardly scratching at the surface. I do hope that you enjoy the songs I’ve picked out. I could do this over and over again with different songs each time, I swear!

1. Song you listen to when you’re happy?
I have a playlist on Spotify that I’ve been listening to lately when I’ve been in a good mood and it’s basically just Fall Out Boy and Panic! at the Disco songs. Their music just get me so pumped up.

2. Song you listen to when you’re sad?
Usually the song that I listen to when I’m sad is based on the reason why I’m sad. Is it loneliness? Is it feeling insecure? Is it stress? All of this matter! But usually something from Bon Iver or Cherry Wine by Hozier is a good choice.

3. What song will you have at your wedding?
This might seem like a strange song to have at a wedding but I adore this song and I’ve always thought that forgiveness is a big part of love and when this song goes into the part where he sings ‘I forgive you‘ you can just feel how much love is in that. It makes my heart warm.

4. What song do you dance around the house to?
I have so many songs that I dance around the house to but right now, it’s been Cool Girl by Tove Lo. Her music just makes me feel like a badass.

5. Song you play on your headphones when you’re out and about?
The song that I listen to when I’m out and about changes constantly but right now, I’ve been listening to Josephine by Ritual a lot.

6. Song you listen to when you’re angry?
This song has a special meaning to me simply because I can imagine myself saying the words to someone from my past, someone who has really hurt me. I put this one on and I feel like I’ve worked through some things.

7. Song you’d have at your funeral?
Again, this might not seem like a normal choice and it has nothing to do with the meaning of the lyrics or anything like that but it’s just this feeling that I get from this song.

8. Song that makes you lose your shit at a party?
Self explanatory.

9. The last song you listened to?

10. Your karaoke song?
Any One Tree Hill super fan will agree with me. This is the perfect karaoke song.

11. Song you work out to?
This is another song that just makes me feel like a badass and the whole idea of rising like a phoenix is something worth listening to when you’re miserable and working out.

12. Song with the most memories attached?
There are so many songs that have so many memories attached but the first one that came to mind was 321 by Hedley. Sleepovers with the best people, giggling the night away, enjoying being a young kid.

13.Song that makes you cry?
For me, this song has always captured the feeling of not being enough. That feeling that you’ll never be pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough. I think anyone who has self destruction habits will feel the same. I’ve listened to this song for year and it always makes my heart ache.

14. Favourite song of all time?
This was SO HARD to pick and I’ve selected some but really, all of the songs I’ve already mentioned and so much more are all special to me in one way or another. All of them.

The Year Past and The Year to Come

I’ve been sitting on this post all night.

I always like writing something up at the end of the old year, looking forward into the new year. I write about the things I’ve learnt, the times that mattered most, and the people that changed it all for the better, full of hope and excitement for the next year.

I’m not feeling that excitement this year.

2016 has been full of ups and downs. It’s been an emotional year for me for many different reasons. And I wish that I was ending 2016 with a bang, feeling on top of the world and ready to take on whatever life throws at me.

Right now, I’m feeling stuck and a little lost. I feel like the world is rushing around me and I’m not going anywhere. The last few months of 2016 have been hard for me and right now, I really don’t know how I feel about going into 2017.

All of that being said, however, I am trying so hard to wish for the best. 2017 is either going to be an incredible year or a terrible year. I have goals and resolutions and dreams for the upcoming year and as shitty as I feel, as stuck and as lost as I might feel right now, I’m hopeful.

I’m hoping for the best in 2017. I’m hoping for joy and love and happiness. I’m hoping that I will be grateful for the good moments and the bad moments, because they’re all important.

In 2017, my focus is on myself. I’m sure that you’ve heard this a million times (new year, new me!) from everyone in your life but whatever, this is my new years post and imma do what I want!

I hope to eat better. I hope to take care of my body because I’m sick of feeling tired and lethargic and sluggish. I hope to move forward in my life and be in a place where I don’t dread waking up every morning because I’m really sick of the dread and the anxiety when my alarm goes off at 5:30 every morning.

Something that I’ve been trying to do and something I hope to do more of in 2017, is bring back the things that make me happy. I remember being a young teenager and having hobbies and interests in my life that I was so passionate about but maybe out of fear or something else, I’ve let them fall to the side.

I adored fashion and art and history and poetry and creative writing and photography and painting. I loved it all so much and I had dreams of being a writer and a designer and a artist but then I was always told that I needed a back up plan because you have to be really talented to succeed in these creative fields. I think that my anxiety ridden and insecure brain interpreted that as you’re not good enough, give up now and get a normal job.

I want this passion back in my life, no fear. I want to follow my heart, my gut. I don’t want to fear what could go wrong.

So here’s to 2017. Please be kind to me.

06/08/16

To make a prairie it takes a clover and one bee,—
One clover, and a bee,
And revery.
The revery alone will do
If bees are few.
-Emily Dickinson

I think that I’ve been feeling a little lost lately. Life is crazy right now and I, like many adults in our current world, spend the days going to a job that doesn’t make me happy, making food that just fills me, watching TV shows and movies that I don’t need to think about, and going through all of that the next day. And the next day and the next day and the next day.

Lately, I’ve been thinking back to the the things that made me happy before the real world happened. Before stress and work and everything else got in the way.

I’d like to get those things back into my life. I had dreams of writing a novel, I got so lost in whatever book I was reading, that I didn’t even know what the weather was. I listened to a new album and felt that the musician was somehow able to capture my soul in the lyrics.

I’m tired of the monotony. I’m tired of waking up every morning with a knot of anxiety in my stomach with an urge to just run away. I want passion and love and excitement. I want to wake up everyday and have something to look forward to.

I want to let lost in stories and poetry and art and pictures. I want to write something that will mean something to someone. Maybe it’s just a matter of adding one thing into every day that makes getting up in the morning something to look forward to, not a chore.

Maybe it’s a matter of finding what little steps are needed to get to my goal. Maybe it’s working on finding classes to take online or getting rid of some unneeded everyday stress.

Maybe it’s just a matter of finding the clover and the bee, whatever that is, to build and create a beautiful prairie. A piece of inspiration.